2008 is officially over. I'm not sad to see it go. In fact, I'm ready to embrace 2009 with arms wide open. I just hope that my head and my heart are ready for that leap. It's been a long time since I've been able to think about things clearly, and not have shadowing emotions hanging over me. My mind has been cluttered with so many thoughts and feelings that I couldn't even begin to think straight. Of course this will probably not make any sense, like it ever does right? So just sit back and listen to my rambling thoughts.

1. Let him go completely.
2. Be a better girlfriend.
3. Be a better friend.
4. Write more.
5. Save money.
6. Write a complete story.
7. Get a new job.
8. Not let my emotions take over.
9. Let her go completely.
10. Make my plans and dreams come true.

1 - It's been about 3 years. The thought of you makes me want to either scream or cry, I can never decide which. I hate you for everything that you have done, said, thought, were, are, am. Lately you've been sneaking into my thoughts, into my life in the simplest of ways. I'm paranoid of running into you again. Afraid that I'll break if I see you. I have no feelings for you, but a part of me still holds on. It's because of what you were for me, and what you aren't anymore. I think that is the only tie between us. As soon as I can let that go then I'll be fine. As soon as I forget I'll be able to live my life in semi happiness.

2 - I feel so horrible sometimes. I am so distrusting it's tearing me, us, apart. I hate it. I wish I could let go of it all and leave my insecurities behind. The path to that part of me seems so long, and so rough, I don't think I can make it. I'd like for everything to be a little easier. I know I can only blame myself and no one else, but I know I'm not the only one at fault here. I wish I had more patience with him. I wish I didn't lose my cool over the stupidest things. Reading Here's The Story made me think of myself. The way she described how she felt was exactly how I've felt for so many years. The way she described her relationship was so similar to ours. She was able to escape it, I just wish I had the strength. I know deep down that we can work it all out, and that our love is true and strong; I just can't get my mind to accept that.

3 - Simple enough. But that also means dropping the ones who make me a bad friend. And yes, that means you.

4 - My ambition, my dream, my destiny has always been to write. But why haven't I picked up a pen in months? Why can't I find the will to write. I want to so bad. Am I afraid of what will come out onto the paper? Scared of letting my emotions shine through? Afraid of wasting my time on something that will never go anywhere? I don't know. But I'm going to write more. Whether it be a story, or a poem, or an article. I'm going to write.

5 - I suck at saving money, but I need to if I ever want to get out on my own. I'm counting down the months until Jordan and I are finally out. And it seems like there is no time at all. I'm scared. I'm terrified. I'm panicking. But I know we're going to do it and we're going to be ok. I'm just going to have to use some will power. Motivation maybe even.

6 - Another goal about writing. I just need to do it. I need to finish a story. Whether I finish my already started story, or write a new one. I've got so many ideas, I just need to get them out. I hope that I can follow through. Wish me luck.


To be continued.

You pretend to be such a nice guy. But you're no different than Josh ever was. .The only difference is that Josh was open about his cheating and lying. You on the other hand, do it quietly behind my back. Thinking I'll never find out. Thinking I'll never get hurt.

I knew it wouldn't last. It was only a matter of time before it happened anyway. I just chose to take a stand for myself, and get it over with. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would, maybe because it was on my own terms, and not something I couldn't control. I don't know, maybe I shouldn't let it bother me that much? It just makes me realize that I don't know people half as well as I thought. And for whatever reason, that kind of hurts a bit.

You think you know someone, then all of a sudden, it's like you never knew them at all. It happens all the time, and though I knew something had to be up, it still shocked me all the same. But I'm over it now, and I don't care. I just won't go crawling back, asking for forgiveness, or asking to be friends again. I don't want that, nor do I need it. It doesn't hurt at all .. and I'm not really sure why. I just wish I could control, or shut off how I feel. Because I was fine with how things were. But now that I know things will never be what they were, that's fine as well. I can live without.

Can you figure out my cryptic message? Probably not. Remember, not everything is how it seems.




I was thinking about him today, probably because I'm constantly on the look out now that I'm back to McDonalds. And I realized, he doesn't bother me any more either. I don't care about him. I just wish that she wasn't apart of it all. If I see him, I will most likely speak to him, but I won't go out of my way. Not like I used to. I'm less than a month away from being 20 years old, it's a little to late to be going out of my way for people. Not when they've had a million chances, and 12 years.


I'm just rambling. I'm hurt, upset, tired and angry. Add confused to that list as well. I think for the sake of my life, my mind, and my heart. I will be finding a new place to blog. And I won't be sharing it with anyone. At least then the ghosts won't have to try to cipher through my cryptic messages!

I feel tossed aside. I feel like we're slipping apart. I feel like I'm alone. I feel abandoned. Maybe I was wrong when I said I had a good life, and great friends. Things aren't all that great right now, life is just as bad as it ever was I suppose. The only difference is, I thought I had someone to run to when these things get rough. But when I try, I don't get the response I needed. I'd sit there all day and listen to anyone ramble. But it seems that time for listening to me is very limited.

Just these things I know, they scare me. They have me on edge, wondering 'when will it happen, it's only a matter of time'. I really wish people would pay attention to me when I spoke. I really hate that feeling when I'm trying to say something important, and they just over look it. It happens so many times that you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm not, and it hurts just as much as it ever would. Ugh. I hate it!

I'm just ranting, I don't really have a point. Feel free to try and break through my cryptic messages if you'd like. Makes no difference to me really.

Maybe if it had only been one person, I could ignore it. Maybe if he gave a shit about what I want to do, my goals, my life, then I'd be able to look past it all. But I can't. It's upsetting and it doesn't feel good, thats for sure. I'm not sure what to think, or what to do, or anything. Who do I listen to, who do I ignore. Who is just being a bitch, and who is being honest. I don't understand, and I have no idea.

I feel horrible that I can't trust him as much as I would like, and that the simplest of things upsets me like it does. I hate that I have to find things out on my own, rather then have him tell me up front. It hurts me to know that he would rather hurt me like that then to tell me the truth. I know he doesn't understand that, but he really should. I've only been telling him that for the past forever -.-

I can't believe that she is being so immature about this whole thing. I never said anything about the stupid bitch (until now of course) and she flips out like she did. Honestly, does she really have to make everything about her! I can't even tell someone I love them now without people thinking I mean something by it. And so what if I did, you really shouldn't assume things! As for what was said, it's 100 percent true. You have no control and no say over what someone does with their free time and their hobbies. I know you think you are high and mighty and are the only one who is allowed to do anything of the sort, but honestly, grow up! I don't care that you think I suck or shouldn't bother, that's your opinion, but if you are going to freely give your opinion (without knowledge of the situation), be prepared to receive and opinion back!

I am worried about her. She's going down the wrong track.  I know I don't have a say over what SHE does, but I care about her. I don't want to see her doing these things to herself, and over someone so stupid. I just wish she'd be more careful and more wise about this whole thing. She's to young to worry about these types of things. I love you! <3

I wish things were easier some days. I don't even know anymore. Life at home is too stressful, but I know I wouldn't manage on my own, especially not now anyway. I wish people would recognize the things I do, instead of yelling at me for the things I forget to do. I would probably be more apt to do it if I wasn't getting yelled at all the time. Comparing myself to a dog here; if you yell at dog every time they do something, they'll eventually stop doing whatever it is you are yelling at them for. I think it's only logical to apply it to my own situation don't you think?

I wish that people would find their own interests, and stop being so damn determined to follow everyone else. To be a copycat and unoriginal. It's not cool, it's very frustrating to say the least. I know she wouldn't like it if I decided that I wanted to do something she's dreamt of doing her whole life. I don't know what I want to do yet, I have dreams, but they seem to far out of reach for me. I don't think I could accomplish anything =/ but it kills me to know that she just may get to do all of the things I want to do. But even that drive doesn't help in any way, cause if I fail and she succeeds, I don't think I'd handle that very well.

I'm just rambling, a lot of thoughts are going through my head right now. Not many I would like to share I guess, but still would be nice to address them and have people actually listen. Where is Susanna? She'll listen =[. You don't know how bad it upsets me when people dismiss what I say. It happens on an everyday occurrence now. Sometimes I just shrug it off, because I know they're not paying attention, they hardly ever pay attention to me. It still upsets me that he didn't even care that I was actually going for something .. just the way he shrugged it off saying 'cool' .. I just can't believe it. I know she made him apologize for it, and that doesn't help either.

Sigh I'm just going to go to bed before I upset myself even more =[

My dog Chicko wasn't himself this morning, he didn't try to escape my mother's grasp as she let him out to pee. Later in the day he started vomitting blood, so mother and I rushed him to the vet. She told us that he had just ate something that didn't agree with him, and he'd be fine in the morning.

Mom didn't quite believe her, as the last time we took an animal to her, she said that it was just a normal cold, and if we gave it it's medicine it'd be fine. It died in the next few days.

So we took Chicko to the only other vet in town, who never seems to be open whenever we need him. Turns out Chicko has a deathly virus that is highly contagious. We have 4 other dogs and some cats .. so all of them are in risk of this fatal virus.

We took all of the dogs up to get shots, and isolated the cats in my sister's room and put Chicko in the back porch. Our youngest dog, Mistee, had a reaction the shots and ended up being sick.

I'm quite worried about my animals. If Chicko dies because we were to late getting him shots, I will personally go to this vet and knock her out -.- This is the second time she's given us false advice on how to care for our animals. When Mistee started being sick, I almost started crying =/

I love my dogs, and I love my cats even more. If I were to lose any of them, I don't know what I would do. =(



In other news, I got accepted into the college I applied to. But I am on the waiting list for the class I want, so even though I got accepted, I probably won't be able to go =/ I have decided that I'm going to go back to my pervious job. I need to have some money coming in and seeing how I can't get a job elsewhere, this is my last resort. I'm kind of excited to go back though. Sighhhh.

So I found some of my really old notes the other day, from the beginning of 2006, and I mean .. really old.

I miss that life .. I miss how in love I was back then. Not that I'm not in love now, but back then it was foolish love, careless love. It's taken me so long to get to where I am right now, and I feel like a failure. Back then I was just idiotic, I didn't know what I was feeling, I don't think I was capable of feeling.

Sigh, I am just rambling it would seem. What I'm trying to say is that I've grown a lot since then, matured more, but I still miss those moments. Life was much more complicated obviously, but I was different, and love didn't destroy me nearly as much as it is now. Fights between Mitchell and I, they were just silly little arguments, caused over nothing, that never amounted to anything other than us not talking for a few days. Whenever I saw Josh with another girl; I wasn't surprised, I just walked the other way. But now .. everything hurts a lot more, breaks my heart faster than before.

Sure it took me ages to get over Josh, not even sure if I am completely over him, but it took years for that hurt and distrust to build up. Maybe it's because I have no one else to turn to if it all goes down hill, that I am completely dependent on myself, thats the reason every little thing has me scared and running.

It's so complicated, I don't even know where to begin.

I know they'll never read this, but Mitchell; I still care about you, I miss our friendship, I miss our closeness, I miss everything that we were once. You've changed so much and not in a good way, ever since I left school .. you've disappeared from my life, and it kills me. I called you out for being a jerk, hoping that I'd feel better about you being out of my life for a reason, however, I just feel worse.
Ebony; I feel like I've lost a part of my family now that we're no longer friends. I was reading notes you wrote me, and I can't believe we've let something stupid come between us again. I feel horrible, and probably will for a long time, since making up doesn't really seem to be an option.
Josh; I just need you out of my life. I was doing great until you popped back up. I don't know why you texted me, but it's driving me crazy. I've deleted you from facebook, msn, even my phone. But as soon as your number came up, I knew it was you. My life will never be right if you are still in the picture. I can't bring myself to tell you that, even after all this, I still feel as though I owe you something ..

So many more that I wish to talk about .. but just don't have the time.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I woke up with cramps so bad I thought I was going to die. It woke me up right out of my sleep, and I couldn't fall asleep at all. So I got up and searched around for a hot water bottle, only to find that it's missing. Then my stepfather comes home from his coffee run and I ask him if he's seen it, and he asked why I needed it and I'm all "I've got bad cramps" and he gets a concerned look "Period cramps?" and then goes and wakes my mom up asking her where the Midol is haha. Good times.

Then today (well it's really 2 am on Thursday morning, but lets pretend it's really Wednesday). I got up early again, for no reason really. Did some work to my site, and got angry at a review that was done on my site. It can be read here: http://heartlesswind.com/revjaz.php and let me tell you, I was highly offended. I probably came across as a bitch, but that's ok, I was angry, and if you are going to talk like you know it all, well then, you deserve it.

Anyway, so Jordan got up and we headed to Greco and got pizza. Said hi to Abbie (Hi Abbie!). Went back and did my dishes, and got angry, like usual. How hard is it to take care of some cats, like honestly, you just put the food and water out and they do the rest of the work on their own. It takes 2 seconds to clean the kitten's eye and even less time to put in some drops. If you want the kitten to die, well then so be it, leave it the way it is. But I am done doing more than I should have to, and still being treated the way I am. If you are going to call me a bitch and act like a little snot, don't be asking me for money, and don't expect me to look after your animals. I'm done.

Went to Jordan's and almost fell asleep, but didn't. Then around 6:30 we headed over to Greco again to get Abbie. We then headed to Tim Horton's and went walking around. Talked and laughed and joked and stuff. We did come back to the house for a bit and I yelled again about the damn cats. Like honestly! It does not take that much work to wipe the kittens eye. Sigh, it frustrates me.

Walked around some more, then came back to the house again and just sat around chatting. Yeah, lame eh?

And well that was my day. I'm sure my posts later on will be more .. eventful? Especially since tomorrow will be spent with Abbie as well =) <3

I decided to start yet another livejournal account, only this one will be public and anyone can read it, I don't even care, but of course, it won't be as personal as I'd like, but that is fine, at least I have a place to talk about stuff.

Well I don't really have much to say, so I'll start off with a bit about myself. My name is Ashley and I am a 19 year old female living somewhere in Canada. I enjoying do all kinds of things, normal teenage stuff, going for walks, hanging with friends, watching movies and so on. I don't drink, or do drugs or any of the such. I may not be the best person, but I do behave myself.

I really enjoy writing, which is probably why I keep making journals and filling them with useless information. I have many stories and poems published on the net, I doubt I will ever find them all. Taking photos is also another thing I love to do often, so I will most likely post lots of them on here.

Well it is getting late, so I should probably go to bed.